can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
