my phone needs a breathalizer
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
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I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
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We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
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