I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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