Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I'm like, not good at living.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
