if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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