remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
