My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I think weed is turning my hair brown
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
