Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
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