Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
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