You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
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