Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
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I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
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Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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