I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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