Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Drake has all the answers
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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