how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
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let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
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What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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