this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
