I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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