Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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