I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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