My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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