So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
