I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
