then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Randomize
