checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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