I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
