My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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