What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
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