Rock
Scissors
Fuck
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
