I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
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