I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Randomize
