i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
