My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
