So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
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