By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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