You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
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