I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
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I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
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I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
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