My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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