you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
