You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
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