you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
