Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
