clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
