I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Randomize
