Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
