apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
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Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
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She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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