I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
