Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
