Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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