Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
