she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
