He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
You dont lie about slip and slides
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
