Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
