wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
