I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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